Living On the Outskirts of Normal

Have you ever felt you were not meant for the seemingly prescribed standard of life? Do you feel like you are constantly searching for your place, but never quite fitting in anywhere? What do you do when you've come to the point where you realize that everything you have tried has not been quite right for you?
I am at that place in this moment. I am confused about my calling. I have gone from place to place, jumped off of one career path onto another - many times, tried exploring many different college majors and still feel as though I'm back at Career Day in fifth grade. I know there is a purpose for my life, but what in the world is it? Some have asked me if I have been seeking God about this and I feel as though I have, over and over again. I have felt as though I had a clear message on what I was supposed to do/be, but I either misunderstood, or my everyday life got in the way and jumbled my thoughts, my plans, my aspirations until I seemed to spin around in a whirlpool just to get placed right back where I started.
Is this some sort of mid-life crisis? I don't even feel like I'm in "mid-life" right now - I feel as though I'm still hanging onto the first third of my life.
I recently watched the movie "Eat, Pray, Love." I had read the book a few years ago, but I was not in the current crisis that I am now experiencing - I enjoyed it, but I definitely separated it from my life. I completely related to the main character. (Other than the part where she's getting a divorce :-) ) I related to her on the level of feeling so lost within her current life and not knowing what to do, but searching and searching for her purpose. How brave of her to just live and see where life takes her. The story also highlights how much unnecessary value we place on material possessions.

What am I really trying to do with my college degree? I have to ask and answer this question honestly. Is my determination to get a degree born out of some imagined necessity of upward mobility? Or, is it a way to make up where I failed many years ago when I dropped out of college the first time? I have told people that I did not forgive myself for dropping out (more than a decade ago) until January of this year when I started again as a full-time student and was actually doing well. Now that I am being honest with myself I really must wonder if I did truly forgive myself. If I dropped out of school right now, would I still look back on my failed stint at Miami University so long ago and honestly still declare myself forgiven? The answer, sadly, is no.
God's forgiveness is not like ours - thankfully. Once He forgives us, our sins are as far as the east is from the west (Ps 103:12). I have been judgmental, or biased, or something. I have had the mindset that if I had a degree from a respected 4 year university, I would be more respected. I suppose that is true in some ways, but how important are other peoples' opinions of me? What is important is my opinion of myself. I am more than any title/degree that I may or may not hold. I have a place in this universe, I have a purpose. I will stop looking at myself contained within this narrow cube that "society" wants to put me in and start looking "outside the box" to what my existence means on a much larger scale.
More to come soon...

Catching Up

I have about three posts saved as drafts since the last time I posted, but I'm still not ready to finish them. Sorry! Busy, busy, busy! I just had to post today because I was looking at my Mother's Day gifts and I was feeling so thankful. My kids all made heartfelt gifts for me and they just mean so much. How nice that they think so highly of me that they want to create beautiful things by their own hands for me to cherish. I am so blessed. Also, my husband (who I told not to get me anything) got me a beautiful new outfit that I was able to wear to church yesterday and the card he picked out was so sweet. I remember when we were dating and he always seemed to feel a little awkward about giving me cards because he wasn't very good at expressing his emotions so he would get so embarrassed when I would start to well up and want to hug & kiss him. Now, he writes beautiful messages full of emotion and I always know they are straight from his heart.
Even though I had a great Mother's Day, right before I went to bed, I was feeling so low. I was asking God how I could possibly change who I am. How can I go from seeming to always make the wrong choices to making smart choices and having an organized, fulfilled life. I just wanted to go back and rewind my life so I could fix things. I know it is impossible, but I just couldn't see my way past... well, my past. As I was talking with God and asking how I could possibly change, He brought this verse to my mind, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13 NKJV) My initial reaction was, "I know, but this is so hard!" Of course I was just whining, so He repeated it, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!" I got it that time. All things means ALL THINGS! No matter how big your problems seem, even when you feel like you are drowning, you CAN pick yourself up and try again. You may be behind on your bills, behind in school, behind in work, suffering from a broken heart, estranged from your family - whatever the case may be, you CAN go on. Of course it feels like there's no escaping from your problems, and maybe their isn't, but even if you cannot escape, you CAN find your way through, wade through, muddle through, whatever you have to do, just remember with the Lord on your side, nothing is impossible! NOTHING.
So, I may feel a little lost right now because I am not living my life exactly how I planned it, but I WILL still make it. I'm not going to ask God to let me rewind my life because I need to live with choices I made. What I am doing from now on is taking one step at a time and seeking God first, but even if when I make the next not-so-good choice, I will still hold on to His hand and not let go. I know He will always pull me through the darkest depths.

Time to Get Off the Phone!

As I typed the title of this post, my mind flashed back to my adolescent years when I would spend all day on the phone with my friends, laughing until I heard the inevitable yell from my mother, "Time to Get Off the Phone, Natalie." At that time, I hated those words, but now I am saying them to myself.

I knew customer service and sales were things I was good at, but not things I loved, or even that I could tolerate for long periods of time. After being told this morning, "I don't even think you know what you're doing," even though I had clarified what this person wanted three times, it now looks as though my time for tolerating these people is coming to an end.
On a more positive note, this morning, as I was preparing my peanut butter toast and coffee and thanking God for another meal, I also gave thanks that I am able to actually prepare my own food. It sounds simple, but just the night before, I, and two other women from my church, went to visit one of our shut-in members and had a "mini" church service with her. This was the first time I had done something like this and I was apprehensive at first, but I came away from it feeling so energized and peaceful.
The woman we ministered too, I'll call her "Dee," is confined to her bed. She is about 41 years old and is unable to walk, or take care of herself. She has to depend on other people to fulfill her most basic needs. The most wonderful part about this is her smile and her attitude. She smiled and laughed with us the whole time. Dee never spoke negatively about her condition, in fact, she called herself "God's miracle child." She told us of being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 26, being hospitalized many times, being in a coma for five days and how each time God has saved her and she knows she's here for a reason. Wow!
I can tell you right now, if it had been me, I would be depressed, someone would have to force me to eat because I would want to just lay in my bed and die. It would have been so hard to look at the situation the way Dee does. I believe that is part of the purpose she talked about - making people realize how blessed they are and realizing their situations could be so much worse.
I thank God for that time and I hope to spend more time with Dee, I'm sure I could learn a lot more. We all need to stop and think about what we have. I know life gets hard, but there is always some kind of light, sometimes we just have to look a little bit harder, or a little bit longer to see it.

Recommendation: Whenever I read this blog I am thankful for my children and I am sure to pray for those who have lost their children.

(Please comment on my posts, I would love to know what you think!)