Living On the Outskirts of Normal

Have you ever felt you were not meant for the seemingly prescribed standard of life? Do you feel like you are constantly searching for your place, but never quite fitting in anywhere? What do you do when you've come to the point where you realize that everything you have tried has not been quite right for you?
I am at that place in this moment. I am confused about my calling. I have gone from place to place, jumped off of one career path onto another - many times, tried exploring many different college majors and still feel as though I'm back at Career Day in fifth grade. I know there is a purpose for my life, but what in the world is it? Some have asked me if I have been seeking God about this and I feel as though I have, over and over again. I have felt as though I had a clear message on what I was supposed to do/be, but I either misunderstood, or my everyday life got in the way and jumbled my thoughts, my plans, my aspirations until I seemed to spin around in a whirlpool just to get placed right back where I started.
Is this some sort of mid-life crisis? I don't even feel like I'm in "mid-life" right now - I feel as though I'm still hanging onto the first third of my life.
I recently watched the movie "Eat, Pray, Love." I had read the book a few years ago, but I was not in the current crisis that I am now experiencing - I enjoyed it, but I definitely separated it from my life. I completely related to the main character. (Other than the part where she's getting a divorce :-) ) I related to her on the level of feeling so lost within her current life and not knowing what to do, but searching and searching for her purpose. How brave of her to just live and see where life takes her. The story also highlights how much unnecessary value we place on material possessions.

What am I really trying to do with my college degree? I have to ask and answer this question honestly. Is my determination to get a degree born out of some imagined necessity of upward mobility? Or, is it a way to make up where I failed many years ago when I dropped out of college the first time? I have told people that I did not forgive myself for dropping out (more than a decade ago) until January of this year when I started again as a full-time student and was actually doing well. Now that I am being honest with myself I really must wonder if I did truly forgive myself. If I dropped out of school right now, would I still look back on my failed stint at Miami University so long ago and honestly still declare myself forgiven? The answer, sadly, is no.
God's forgiveness is not like ours - thankfully. Once He forgives us, our sins are as far as the east is from the west (Ps 103:12). I have been judgmental, or biased, or something. I have had the mindset that if I had a degree from a respected 4 year university, I would be more respected. I suppose that is true in some ways, but how important are other peoples' opinions of me? What is important is my opinion of myself. I am more than any title/degree that I may or may not hold. I have a place in this universe, I have a purpose. I will stop looking at myself contained within this narrow cube that "society" wants to put me in and start looking "outside the box" to what my existence means on a much larger scale.
More to come soon...

Sometimes I have good ideas...

Sometimes my ideas are not so good, and there are some ideas for which I am still waiting on revelation.
My latest great idea was to start working from home. The benefits of this great idea include:

• More time with my children, especially when my 6th grader comes home from school
• More time to keep my house organized
• No more driving 20 miles to work on the ice in the middle of February
• No more sitting next to loud executives who feel they have the right to be loud because they've worked their way up to their position of entitlement
• No paying for childcare

I could go on with this list, but you get the point. I know there are many moms (and dads for that matter) who would love the opportunity to work from home. I've been trying to accomplish this for years. Unfortunately, now I must also list the downside:

• Sometimes my kids drive me crazy. That's just the truth. My 4 year-old seems to believe his mission in life is to make noise. He has already come into the office at least 3 times while I was on the phone with customers and stage-whispered, or even just talked at a normal volume, the proceeded to cry when I waved my hands for him to leave! All of the calls I take are recorded, so for the next few days, each time, I was checking my email wondering if I'd get the message that my contract has ended due to violations.
• So, my house is going through ups and downs of being organized and not-so-organized. :-) If you saw my room when I was growing up, you know this is definitely an "area of opportunity" for me. The problem is, even though I have more time, I still have to conquer my own tendencies of losing track of time and failing to stick to a schedule. I'm working on it. Some people can't stop smoking, drinking, eating, cleaning, having sex, setting fires, speeding, improperly taking medications, and the list goes on - I am organizationally challenged. Let's all try not to judge each other. :-)  
• Finally, I am no longer afraid to admit it - I am not making as much money as I thought I would be making at this point. In my haste to escape cubicle world, I may have been a little overly optimistic when I was doing my calculations. A factor I should have given a tad bit more weight to is my own lack of self-discipline. (See, I'm just revealing all my dirty little secrets!) It's not over for me though. I am in the process of dusting myself off so you can choose to laugh at me, but I hope you'll be praying for my continued growth.

So, starting with this blog, I am now doing one of the things I originally assigned for myself as a work-at-home-mom, writing everyday. If I don't post in the blog everyday, that doesn't mean I'm not writing, sometimes I will have strictly private issues. :-)

Are you a fellow WAHM needing a pick-me-up as well as great advice on working from home and/or building your business?  Check out Michelle Shaeffer's blog.